Forever Changed

In January of this year, we said “yes” to an emergency foster placement, with the expectation of it lasting a weekend.  With one phone call and a 1 a.m. drop off of our #3, our world was forever changed.  Seven months later, our first foster placement left us.  To say we were crushed is the understatement of a life time.  She became a part of our family, and found a place not only in our home but forever in our hearts.  We are grieving her loss, and feeling it most acutely.  Everything in our home is a memory, and even people are associated with memories for us. When we look in the rear view mirror of our car  and see the empty back seat, we think of all the talks we had driving home from school.  When we turn on Netflix and see the watch history filled with movies we’ve watched together, we remember all the cuddles we had together. Or when we lift up a couch cushion and find a ring that she had lost, all the memories of tearing our house apart looking for it flood our mind.  Who would have thought finding the ring would hurt much more than loosing it?  There are different versions of grief for different situations in life.  We are by no means comparing our grief to another persons, we are just outwardly acknowledging our pain is deep.  Though she is still alive and doing well, she is not living her day to day life with us.  This cuts us to our core.

Hear us out until the end as we know most of you are like “Ok, well thank you for making up my mind for me;  “I will never be a foster parent or be a part of this system.”  Please bear with us until the end.

 

This first foster placement changed us forever, and we learned some lessons in process.  They are works in progress and rough around the edges.  They are ineloquent at times, but they are our truth right now.   We felt them worth sharing, and we hope they give you some insight into our journey thus far.

 

Lesson 1:  It will never be easy, but I am equipped to do this.

This was one of the first lessons we had to learn, yet the truth behind it continued to resinate throughout the entire journey.  It was a difficult lesson, because it required a fairly large step of faith on our part.

When you say yes to this you are giving up your privacy, your time, your energy, your money, your comfort, and your preferences.  When you say yes to this you understand that it will hurt, be frustrating, and confuse you to no end.  But  we have been given everything we need to conquer any challenges and love through all circumstances.

“…may he equip you with all you need for doing his will.  May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him.”  – Hebrews 13:21

One of the many examples is our having to continually foster a positive relationship with foster child and bio parents, when you are so sad, angry, and confused how an adult could do this to a child.  But we were able to daily reaffirm our #3 and her parents through positive conversation and prayer time with #3.  Going in, we didn’t understand how difficult this would be.  When you know all the details on why this child came into care, love and patience for the bio-parents is the last “natural” thought you have, but God came through.

From trying to build up a torn-down self image, to court dates, to rebuilding trust, to trying to find the words to answer the difficult “why” questions no child should have to ask,  we found ourselves relying on God more than we ever had before.

Lesson 1.5:  It Doesn’t Take a Special Person to Foster, Just a Willing One

I can’t list all of the times where we received encouraging words from people for our decision to become foster parents.  And to be honest, it felt good.  It was so encouraging to hear we were doing good, especially when things were tough or we felt like we were failing as parents.  But often those words of motivation were followed by reasons why they could never be foster parents:

“I can’t handle dealing with the parents/abusers/neglecters.”

“I don’t have time.”

“My kids are grown, I am too old.”

“The children come with too many problems.”

“It would hurt too much to give them back.”

Even though this wasn’t the intention, these words cut us to the core.  It IS hard dealing with abusers.  It IS hard to find time to get everything done.  And yes, we’ve never experience hurt like when we said “goodbye” to her.  It was almost like they were implying that we were immune to the difficulties and pain.  I assure you, we are not.  When it comes down to it, they weren’t telling us why they couldn’t foster, they were telling us why they wouldn’t.  It doesn’t take a special person, it takes a willing person.

Lesson 2:  You learn what really matters.

Experiences are what really matter.  That hug, that time you went to the park and had a water gun fight, the first time they rode their bike without training wheels, that gymnastics success when they accomplish something new.  All of these things require you as the adult to stop doing something you prefer to make room for those moments to happen.  If you don’t, you and the child are missing out, and that is on you.

 

 

Lesson 3: Routine is everything.

This is most likely a general parenting hack, but man oh man, it is truth.  Often times they come from chaos and uncertainty, but for them it is their normal.  Comfort, for these kids, is found in knowing the people they are staying with and in how life looks day to day.  Give them routine as quickly as possible so they know what to expect, because they need it to feel comfortable in their new environment.   It really helped us in our day to day with #3.

 

One our most cherished parts of her routine was bed-time dance party.  It started on the first full night she was with us.  We knew she was having a hard time feeling comfortable with her life just being turned upside down.  After Dustin threw out some silly dance moves to try to break up the tension, we asked if she wanted to have a dance party.  And thus commenced our nightly ritual of three of us dancing goofy to Dustin’s beat-boxing…forever memories.

Lesson 4:  Flexibility is key

This lesson might seem to conflict with the previous one, but structure and flexibility go hand-in-hand.  “Flexibility” was the word of our house for 7 months.  What the child comes from will be a 180 from what you are presenting to them.  There must be flexibility when allowing an adjustment period to commence.

We also learned to be flexible with our family culture.  As we have no other children in our house, this came easier for us.  Our #3 came from a specific family culture.  Much of the previous family culture was not healthy, but we welcomed the appropriate things to come into our home to give her a sense of familiarity.

Lesson Cinco: Caseworkers need to get paid more.

You hear stories of the inefficiency and disorganization at DHS, but if you truly understood the amount of cases they are working, your grace level would go way up.  We have found that if you go in knowing that nothing is exact and that timelines are always in flex, you will be ok.  Our caseworker was amazing.  She was constantly working and though there were some learning moments for us and her, she clearly was doing everything she can to help these kids, their families, and the foster families.  It was not uncommon for her to call us back and come by at 9:30 at night because she was just leaving the office or another case’s house when we really needed her.  Show some love to the workers at your local DCFS offices.  Seriously, we have no idea when she slept or stopped working.  Obviously there are exceptions to this and not every caseworker is as amazing, but remember that they have to take their work into every area of their life because they are never not on call.  Also remember they have seen the worst of the worst and still have to wake up the next day to assist the family as a whole.  All we am saying is take some time to encourage DCFS and the case workers.

Lesson 6:  Keep a log/ journal

This might sound foolish and childish but it was the best decision we ever made.  we are actually keeping it for everything in my life.  The truth is so much happens day to day, and we forget the little moments.  There were some moments of hurt, frustration, fear, joy, silliness and more that if we had not written it down would be lost in time due to our ridiculous forgetfulness.  The journal isn’t anything special or eloquent. It is really a bullet pointed list of life.  One of our favorite moments:

#3: “I can’t cut up my food.”

(Knowing she needed to practice and she really could.)

Me: “I am sitting across from a (age) year old who doesn’t know how to cut up her food.”

#3: “I am sitting across from a 30 year old who is scared of stickers.”

(Shock and disbelief cover my face. Touche, I thought)

Me: “Hand me your plate.  Next time you have to practice cutting.”

When we look back we want to remember our life as it was not just the big moments.  The little things are a big part of how you end up where you are and why.  We literally have entries where it says: “Went to the park, kite got stuck in a tree”.  Which seems stupid, but there are beautiful memories flooding my mind with that one sentence.

Lesson 7: Community is Vital.

There are lots of amazing people ready to connect and walk you through the fostering world, and we are so thankful for those people.  We were also embraced by our community of friends family and church.  We cannot thank enough the people in our life who stepped in to be a part of this journey with us.  Those who stepped in to be Grandma and Grandpa.  The friends who made sure our #3 was dressed amazingly, and had some super cool toys.  The friends who opened their home to us for play dates.  The friends who celebrated special moments with our family of 3.  The friends who were available for practical advice at any time of day (you know who you are pharmacist friends).  The mentors who prayed for us, and who hugged us when it was all you knew to do.  The family on both sides who welcomed our #3 as if she was flesh and blood.  The community kids who befriended her and gave her a group to belong.  Our community showed our #3 love and showed us support like I cannot describe.  If you start this journey or are in it, let people in to be your community.  You will need them.  Your sanity depends on it… But seriously I have never felt more loved than when our community loved our #3.

Lesson 8: Unknown Timelines = Maximize Time

Unfortunately, this was one of the last lessons that we learned.   It’s probably a universal life lesson, but we have been speaking about this as being key for fostering.  As we said goodbye, our minds were flooded with missed opportunities and moments we hadn’t yet had.  You might only have a weekend, or you might have a lifetime.  Either way, maximize your time to live out every second with these kids.  Love them so hard it hurts, even though they could leave tomorrow.  Say yes to ice cream…sometimes.   Turn off the TV, and go to the park instead.  Play Barbies even when your tired.  Ride bikes even though it is 90 degrees outside and you wore jeans.  It will always be easier to say “no” to making memories, because often times it requires an extra effort.   Fight to create memories, and cherish the moments you have.  And know that the memories you create will not only give them something to hold onto, but also give you beautiful moments to remember.

In Conclusion

We hope we gave some insight into our time as newbie foster parents, but truthfully we also hope it has called some to action.  While we are still fighting fear, worry, and the unknown we have decided not to let those dictate our obedience.  We also hope those things will not dictate yours.  Do something.  Mentor, be a presence in the lives of a foster family, cook food, help with clothing, give your time as a transporter, become a respite care family, invite foster kids/ families into your life, BE A FOSTER FAMILY, adopt.  Do something.

If you live in Arkansas check out :

The Call   : A faith based organization designed to connect the church community with the need of Foster Care and Adoption in our state

Project Zero: A group to raise awareness about adoption in Arkansas and whose goal is to see no more waiting children to be adopted in our state.

We read this quote somewhere once and were very comforted by it:

“Grief never ends… but it changes.  It is a passage, not a place to stay.  Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love.

In this journey, we’ve experienced the highest highs and lowest lows of our life.  We wouldn’t trade a second of it, and, even with our knowledge of the pain, we’d do it all over again.  We loved and were loved in return by an amazing child.  We are so thankful.

 

 

The Davis’